If an Abuser claims to be “Taking Steps to Correct His Abusive Behavior’ Watch for these 10 Signs That An Abuser IS Reforming:
1- A “Reforming Abuser” will make Public Confession to those who will hold him accountable. (His family, her family, before the congregation of his church and it’s leaders.) His confession will not put ANY blame on the victim, but, will take full responsibility for his covenant breaking abuse.
2- A “Reforming Abuser” is able to Accept that the Victim Has A Right To Leave. He will not quote verses to others that make victim appear to be an unsubmissive wife by leaving.
3- “Reforming Abusers’ Allow for as much Time as needed For Separation By Victim.
The abuser must prove he does not have to control former victim by pressing for reunification.
- not begging for victim to come back/promising change
- not manipulating victim into believing he is desperate & considering suicide
- Proving over TIME…that he can show fruit, w/o victim to have to remain in a submissive/dependent position during that period of ‘positive changes’
4- A ‘Reforming Abuser’ has no problem with his Wife participating in Separate Counseling from her abuser.
5- A “Reforming Abuser” will Relinquish His ‘Rights To Privacy’ in his Counselor’s Agreement/Terms giving counselor the right to disclose to victim of his confessions, progress and lack thereof.
6- If he is truly reforming, he should Leave The Home, with a witness WITH him, While Victim, WITH HER WITNESS Removes EVERYTHING She would ever Want or Need to live w/o him, Single/Divorced.
- She should have guarantees from the witness who is with the abuser, at all times that he is no where near
- He should be supportive of her having a policeman present while she is removing belongings.
- Reforming Abuser should fully supports her right to take what she needs to feel secure on her own.
- If she wants a moving truck. A reforming person, MUST be OK with her taking beds/clothes/furniture, whatever! It is he, that has made her homeless.
7- The new residence of the victim should NEVER be disclosed by anyone, and the purported ‘Reforming Abuser’ must be willing to go w/o any communication from the victim of her whereabouts –for whatever time she needs.
8-If an abuser has really reformed, he will go through this process NOT Attempting To Gain Allies with people who will give up her location, convince her to return, or manipulate circumstances in his favor.
9- A Reforming Abuser, will Share Finances With a 3rd Party To Support Victim Financially, even though they don’t live under the same roof any longer.
10- If children are involved, A Reforming Abuser will NOT Insist On His Children Having Time With Their Father, while he is still not proven to be a NON-Abuser.
- A repentant abuser, will accept his own personal responsibility for the destruction of the stability of the home and family unit.
- He will not insist on being in the presence of his children, recognizing that his influence is negative.
- A repentant abuser knows his children need a time of healing, absent from him.
If you are working with or know someone who actually meets these qualifications of a Reformed Abuser, you may have met a VERY RARE person who is in the minority of prior abusers, truly willing to change, not for the benefit of gaining his spouse back, but, rather, changing, because he fully recognizes the weight of his wrong doing, and the destruction it has caused, and that awareness has promoted his changes.
Now that you have discovered a Reformed Abuser,
- Keep your eye on him for a long time,
- Never disclose the whereabouts of his former spouse.
- Be willing and ready to call the police on him, if his former spouse ever informs you that he is threatening her