Not every woman, married a good man.
Not every woman, married a man who was, who ‘he’ said he was.
Some were beguiled by liars, and married frauds; Not good men, with human flaws, with a heart toward God, desiring repentance when they made mistakes, but, evil men, DISGUISED as upright, God fearing, good men, with an intent to control, and put under his subjection, one of God’s most beautiful creation’s…a woman.
All God fearing Christian men and women, should strive to give sound counsel for women caught in these UnGodly marriages…and ‘submission’ to evil men, is NOT sound counsel.
We must expose evil, even when one ‘acting evil’ appears to be ‘acting Christian’ in your presence. (Ephesians 5:11-13)
Believe women, when they tell you, they are married to a ‘striker.’ (I Timothy 3)
Protect those oppressed by evil men and expose, evil men for who they are.
Ideally, a woman, living in an abusive home, would have supportive extended family/friends to turn to, and lean on for refuge/housing/safety, and hope.
If not, a woman ‘should’ feel like she is in a church, where she will be believed, receive help, and protection, while being assisted by the body of believers there, and also assisted toward resources in the community/state/and law.
Support from family/friends/church can also involve finding a Domestic Violence Women’s shelters for the woman, and her children, and helping them get to the location safely and with provisions.
Women, and their children, found in these tragic situations should be seen as prisoners unjustly imprisoned, who risk everything to leave, including poverty, hunger and thirst and being forced to be a stranger in a new land of refuge, whose minds/hearts/bodies and souls will be sick from the twisted destruction wrought by the abuse they endured, and should be seen by Christians, as among ‘the least of these’ referenced in Matthew 25:34-46.
If a victim of domestic abuse has been introduced into your life…Do these women good…and not evil, as though you were doing good unto Jesus Christ himself.
Your actions or lack thereof in such a matter, reveal if your heart is tender toward those suffering, and if your heart desires to help…’the least of these…’
Matthew 25: 34-46
34 Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
35 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
36 Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.
37 Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?
38 When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?
39 Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
41 Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:
42 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:
43 I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.
44 Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?
45 Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.
46 And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.
I’v been involved in the ugly world of
Domestic Abuse, among professing Christians
since 2011. All the cases that the Lord sends my way,
have 100% been families, that ‘look’ normal on the outside,
but, are living a life that is a fraudulent picture of the truth, inside their closed houses.
100% of the cases I have met, involve men, usually very respected in their
religious groups/churches, and many are ‘in’ ministry.
They ‘look’ good…but, they are frauds.
They are wolves in sheep’s clothing and they are destroyers,
and the women, and children who live with them, are being destroyed
in more ways than you can imagine.
Some are never hit…but, have been killed for years, by the
tongue, that no man can tame.
Many of these men, abuse their children physically.
All, do sexual harm to their wives.
All of them destroy the woman’s personhood.
All of them use the Word of God, to destroy their wives,
and keep them in bondage.
There is great spiritual damage to women found in these marriages.
People of God must stop pushing these women back into these abusive homes, in the name of ‘covenants’ and ‘marriage is forever.’ People of God, must re-educate themselves, and see that no covenant remains, in the presence of abuse. Abusers have long broken any covenant that existed.
If an Abuser claims to be “Taking Steps to Correct His Abusive Behavior’ Watch for these 10 Signs That An Abuser IS Reforming:
1- A “Reforming Abuser” will make Public Confession to those who will hold him accountable. (His family, her family, before the congregation of his church and it’s leaders.) His confession will not put ANY blame on the victim, but, will take full responsibility for his covenant breaking abuse.
2- A “Reforming Abuser” is able to Accept that the Victim Has A Right To Leave. He will not quote verses to others that make victim appear to be an unsubmissive wife by leaving.
3- “Reforming Abusers’ Allow for as much Time as needed For Separation By Victim.
The abuser must prove he does not have to control former victim by pressing for reunification.
- not begging for victim to come back/promising change
- not manipulating victim into believing he is desperate & considering suicide
- Proving over TIME…that he can show fruit, w/o victim to have to remain in a submissive/dependent position during that period of ‘positive changes’
4- A ‘Reforming Abuser’ has no problem with his Wife participating in Separate Counseling from her abuser.
5- A “Reforming Abuser” will Relinquish His ‘Rights To Privacy’ in his Counselor’s Agreement/Terms giving counselor the right to disclose to victim of his confessions, progress and lack thereof.
6- If he is truly reforming, he should Leave The Home, with a witness WITH him, While Victim, WITH HER WITNESS Removes EVERYTHING She would ever Want or Need to live w/o him, Single/Divorced.
- She should have guarantees from the witness who is with the abuser, at all times that he is no where near
- He should be supportive of her having a policeman present while she is removing belongings.
- Reforming Abuser should fully supports her right to take what she needs to feel secure on her own.
- If she wants a moving truck. A reforming person, MUST be OK with her taking beds/clothes/furniture, whatever! It is he, that has made her homeless.
7- The new residence of the victim should NEVER be disclosed by anyone, and the purported ‘Reforming Abuser’ must be willing to go w/o any communication from the victim of her whereabouts –for whatever time she needs.
8-If an abuser has really reformed, he will go through this process NOT Attempting To Gain Allies with people who will give up her location, convince her to return, or manipulate circumstances in his favor.
9- A Reforming Abuser, will Share Finances With a 3rd Party To Support Victim Financially, even though they don’t live under the same roof any longer.
10- If children are involved, A Reforming Abuser will NOT Insist On His Children Having Time With Their Father, while he is still not proven to be a NON-Abuser.
- A repentant abuser, will accept his own personal responsibility for the destruction of the stability of the home and family unit.
- He will not insist on being in the presence of his children, recognizing that his influence is negative.
- A repentant abuser knows his children need a time of healing, absent from him.
If you are working with or know someone who actually meets these qualifications of a Reformed Abuser, you may have met a VERY RARE person who is in the minority of prior abusers, truly willing to change, not for the benefit of gaining his spouse back, but, rather, changing, because he fully recognizes the weight of his wrong doing, and the destruction it has caused, and that awareness has promoted his changes.
Now that you have discovered a Reformed Abuser,
- Keep your eye on him for a long time,
- Never disclose the whereabouts of his former spouse.
- Be willing and ready to call the police on him, if his former spouse ever informs you that he is threatening her
Here is my ‘quick’ advice, to someone desiring to be A supportive friend, to an Abuse Victim:
1- Believe her.…most assuredly, what she is revealing, is the tip of the iceberg…she is testing you out, to see if you are really a ‘safe’ friend.
2-Do NOT ever— recommend couples counseling for her. He will trump her in every group setting. She will be punished for any honesty. She will lose every time. He is not for her, and he is ‘not’ going to change. We do not counsel, based on ‘hope’ of an abuser changing…we counsel, based on his pattern of revealing who, he already is, behind closed doors. There is nothing more dangerous, than a ‘religious man’ pretending to be Godly, while doing ungodly acts when no people are watching.
3-Encouraging her toward a ‘spirit of forgiveness,’ and having a ‘meek and quite spirited,’ in order ‘to win her husband’ is NOT appropriate advice in this situation. It places blame on her, it implies that it ‘takes two to break a marriage’ when it only takes one. She, CANNOT change him. Believe me, if she is reaching out…she has been trying for way too long to ‘fix’ herself, hoping it will FIX HIM. She is not the problem…he is.
4- Any verses shared, should be for her encouragement,
- that her God is just,
- and one that avenges evil doers,
- that God overcomes Evil,
- that God hates a lying tongue,
- and any other similar verses that remind her that she has someone in her corner, who wins every time and that Her God is against, one who harms the weaker vessel.
4-She needs to be reminded that her husband is an unfaithful vow breaker, and that it is HE who is destroying the marriage covenant. If she seeks divorce, SHE IS NOT the one who broke the covenant, it is already broken by the vow breaking abuser. Divorce, is just the legal paperwork, required by the state, to validate what has already happened. She needs to hear from Christians that she is free to leave and not under any bondage to remain in an abusive marriage. Her abuser has abandoned her by making it unsafe for her to love, and live with this man she loves. It is not possible to remain in a home, that is not even safe to be among the other partner.
5-If you ‘KNOW’ she is in an abusive marriage, DIVORCE ‘is’ the path she should be guided toward.
Here are some steps in getting her there.
- she MUST NOT tell her husband
- She must make an escape plan (several are online-she may need to go to a library, to do her research, so there is no way to trace her research.)
- most involve having suitcases at a safe home of a friend, that he would not look for.
- She needs all her ID’s, all of her vital paperwork,
- she needs her car title in her name,
- she needs any ‘evidence’ she can gather against him. Photos of scars, marks, recordings he knows nothing about.
- Most of the time there are no police reports, if it is safe to call the police, she should, so there is a paper trail.
- She needs help finding a divorce lawyer, FAMILIAR with abuse cases.
- She needs a new private email. All correspondence with the lawyer, should only go through that email…that she can access at the library.
- If/when she is ready to leave, she should take everything she loves, or wants…because he may be the type to destroy her stuff, and she may never see favored things again.
- Because she will be starting over, she needs household items, though they may have to disappear to the ‘safe home’ in bits and pieces, so he does not notice.
- Then, when she is ready…she can leave, file for divorce, and be ‘in hiding’ if he is that type of danger.
Don’t give up on her, until you know she is on the other-side of marriage to her abuser.